The holiday season is a time full of joy, cheer, parties, and family gatherings. However, for many people, it is a time of self-evaluation, loneliness, reflection o­n past failures, and anxiety about an uncertain future.

What Causes Holiday Blues?

Many factors can cause the “holiday blues”: stress, fatigue, unrealistic expectations, over-commercialization, financial constraints, and the inability to be with o­ne’s family and friends. The demands of shopping, parties, family reunions, and house guests also contribute to feelings of tension. People who do not become depressed may develop other stress responses, such as: headaches, excessive drinking, over-eating, and difficulty sleeping.

Even more people experience post-holiday let down after January 1. This can result from disappointments during the preceding months compounded with the excess fatigue and stress.

Coping with stress and depression during the holidays-

• Keep expectations for the holiday season manageable.
• Try to set realistic goals for yourself.
• Pace yourself.
• Organize your time.
• Make a list and prioritize the important activities.
• Be realistic about what you can and cannot do. Do not put entire focus o­n just o­ne day (i.e., Thanksgiving Day) remember it is a season of holiday sentiment and activities can be spread out (time-wise) to lessen stress and increase enjoyment.
• Remember the holiday season does not banish reasons for feeling sad or lonely; there is room for these feelings to be present, even if the person chooses not to express them.
• Leave “yesteryear” in the past and look toward the future. Life brings changes. Each season is different and can be enjoyed in its own way.
• Don’t set yourself up in comparing today with the “good ol? days.”
• Do something for someone else.
• Try volunteering some time to help others. Enjoy activities that are free, such as driving around to look at holiday decorations; going window shopping without buying; making a snowperson with children.
• Be aware that excessive drinking will o­nly increase your feelings of depression.
• Try something new.
• Celebrate the holidays in a new way. Spend time with supportive and caring people. Reach out and make new friends or contact someone you have not heard from for awhile.
• Save time for yourself!
• Recharge your batteries! Let others share responsibility of activities.

Can Environment be a Factor?

Recent studies show that some people suffer from which results from fewer hours of sunlight as the days grow shorter during the winter months. Phototherapy, a treatment involving a few hours of exposure to intense light, is effective in relieving depressive symptoms in patients with SAD.

Other studies o­n the benefits of phototherapy found that exposure to early morning sunlight was effective in relieving seasonal depression. Recent findings, however, suggest that patients respond equally well to phototherapy whether it is scheduled in the early afternoon. This has practical applications for antidepressant treatment since it allows the use of phototherapy in the workplace as well as the home.

Learn more about Depression here.

We have all known the experience of being anxious, worried, and even panicked. While these symptoms can become overwhelming and debilitating, the good news is, generally speaking, anxiety is not difficult to treat. Let me explain.

No one likes to be anxious. I am here to help you appreciate your anxiety as a very good friend who is trying to call your attention to a source of inner turmoil. Typically, anxiety is not difficult to treat because it is only a symptom. Its exploration in the course of psychotherapy offers clues as to the source of the problem, and once that cause is understood, and the work of resolving the underlying cause begins, the anxiety tends to remit.

If you are feeling anxious, panicky or consumed with worry to the point of not being able to focus, concentrate, sleep, or comfortably interact with others, please don’t get caught up in what I call identifying with a diagnosis such as “anxiety disorder” or “panic disorder”. Diagnoses are merely tools mental health professionals use to describe a cluster of symptoms. Symptoms of anxiety are much like a fever, which we know indicates that we have an infection of some type. If we define our problem as merely a fever and only treat the fever, we run the risk of overlooking the cause of the fever….thus prolonging our recovery. Similarly, anxious feelings that are tenacious are a sign that something is troubling us deeply. Perhaps you have had the experience of feeling anxious about something and, at the same time, realizing clearly why you were anxious. In such situations, you were probably able to “take the bull by the horns”, so to speak, and resolve things somehow so that you could re-establish your emotional equilibrium. When people present themselves for psychotherapy, this is what we try to do. However, when persistent or long-standing feelings of anxiety are ignored, they often give way to more exaggerated forms of anxiety, such as the person who struggles with anxiety to the point that they begin becoming anxious about becoming anxious, which of course, only makes them more anxious!

It sounds simple, but if you are struggling with anxiety, you know it is not. Our mind is so complicated with its multiple layers of awareness. On a continuum we have our conscious mind at one end, which includes things we are thinking about right this minute, and at the other end of the continuum we have our unconscious mind which includes memories of feelings and experiences we cannot recall (eg., being born). It’s mind-boggling when you think about it: stored in our brains are all of our life experiences along with all of our feelings about them. It’s no wonder that when we are feeling anxious or panicky, it is not a simple, straightforward process of deciphering the cause(s).

In a typical course of psychotherapy, as we explore our anxieties, we begin to identify contradictions which are the key to resolving our issues or conflicts. For example, let’s say you are one of those people who are anxiety free until you begin really pursuing what you want for yourself or when you try to do something that is truly in your best interest (eg., lose weight, meet people, get close, try to commit, or even pursue your career goals). This is confusing, right? If you want these things, why are you so uncomfortable pursuing them? Perhaps you are beginning to recognize that, ironically, you feel comfortable being passive or even with acting in self-destructive ways. At first glance this seems to make no sense! But these kinds of contradictions or conflicts, as we call them, are exactly the kinds of things that often underlie symptoms of anxiety. At its best, therapy effectively uncovers such contradictions and helps people come to terms with whatever is troubling them. When that happens, symptoms of anxiety naturally then subside.

So if you are struggling with anxiety or panic attacks, please try conceptualizing your anxiety as your friend, not as your foe. Think of your symptoms as a valuable source of information which contains answers as to why you are struggling. I think you will find this helpful and then, at least, you won’t be working against yourself!

About the author:

Dr. Tempinski is a clinical psychologist with more than 25 years experience treating adult individuals. She is fully licensed in the state of Michigan. Her solo private practice has been designed with the goal of maximizing client confidentiality. To learn more about Dr. Terry Tempinski please click here.

Deciding to pursue therapy, finding a therapist, making that first call and keeping that appointment are, from my perspective, huge and courageous steps. Moreover, these initial steps are usually taken partially in the dark, so to speak. You do not know this person, you have no clue as to whether they can help you, and here you are deciding to lay out for them intimate details about your personal life and struggles!

People typically have all sorts of questions and concerns in beginning psychotherapy. Here I will attempt to address some of these.

1) Your Passion for Health:

I touch on courage, above, first because it is a combination of your courage and desire to be your most healthy self that are the biggest indicators of success in psychotherapy. If you think of psychotherapy as a journey to become your healthiest self, your courage and passion for health can best be understood as the gasoline in your car. This is not to say that you even need a clear picture of your desired destination or goals; in starting psychotherapy, it is not uncommon for people to feel confused about why they have even come. They might just have a strong sense that they could potentially feel much better. So, in short, if you can supply the gasoline, the trip is a go!

It is this hopefully passionate sense of wanting to feel better that is, in my opinion, the single best predictor of success in psychotherapy.

2) The Work of Therapy:

The work of the therapy is a journey that requires something from both the individual and the therapist. It is the individual’s responsibility to make a commitment to the therapy such that he/she comes to appointments with regularity and promptness and does their best to openly share their thoughts and feelings. It is the therapist’s job to reciprocate with promptness, reliability and a commitment to the work and, moreover, to use their analytic skills.

We work with the assumption that, regardless of what an individual is struggling with, there are reasons for the struggles which can be uncovered, appreciated and resolved. To do this, the therapist must listen and understand…….not only what the person is communicating on a conscious level, but – more importantly – what he/she is conveying at a deeper, unconscious, level. It is this understanding that helps to resolve what we call conflicts (eg., struggles between what the person consciously wants for themselves and what tends to evolve for them due to unconscious, unresolved matters). As you can see, the essence of the therapeutic work is analytical and introspective.

This process of understanding that is the work of the therapy needs to take place both on an intellectual plane and an emotional plane.

3) The Relationship with the Therapist:

The task of developing an intellectual understanding of our feelings is the easy part. Developing an emotional understanding and working through our difficult emotions is the hard part ……… and that is where the relationship with the therapist is critical!

Perhaps you have been to therapy and left feeling the same, but smarter. One step along the way in therapy is that people begin to intellectually grasp all the reasons they have felt so unhappy. They will say, “I think I understand now why I have been so unhappy, but I still feel the same.” This means that there is yet another step left; it is this step that comprises the “guts” of the therapy. This is the process of “working through” or resolving the feelings which have been uncovered. It is the difficult nature of this process that explains why therapy takes time. Difficult feelings cannot be overcome or resolved in the blink of an eye, no more than a truly bereaved individual can overcome their loss in a brief period.

It is this phase of the therapy that involves an intimate working with the therapist to get through the difficult feelings. On this journey, the therapist will alternatively be perceived with mixed feelings, sometimes nudging you toward feelings you would rather sidestep or even toward ideas you vehemently disagree with. Hopefully, for the most part, however you feel warmly understood. The therapist is like a trustworthy friend and tour guide who knows the terrain well, has no fear, and can help you find your way through confusing, overwhelming emotions.

4) The Myth About Our Childhoods:

Many people are discouraged about the fact that they have had difficult or traumatic childhoods. There is a perception that when one suffers greatly as a child, that he/she is permanently damaged. While this does happen in some instances, the opposite is also true. Stories abound of people who have had horrible beginnings and come out of them smelling-like-a rose, so to speak. Ideally, therapy helps people master and recover from early life wounds so that they are free of those experiences.

In my experience, a central determinant in one’s prognosis is not what type of childhood one has had, but – rather – what one does with their experiences.

5) Why Don’t Those Self-Help Books I Read Help?

Self-help books are great, and I do believe they do help many people. For the most part, they drive the message home that one has control of one’s life to make of it what one wants. Nothing could be more true! Positive thinking, the value of meditation and the gift of spirituality are all potentially very helpful. However, one should not feel discouraged if learning about these things does not change how you feel. It does not mean things are hopeless, and it certainly does not mean you are not trying hard enough. Rather, it simply means that there are feelings that need to be resolved before you can begin implementing and benefitting from these concepts and practices. Fortunately, or unfortunately, however you choose to see it, our psyche’s do not allow us to forever ignore our unresolved issues and feelings. At some point they raise their head. We then have the choice of whether to confront and master them or not. If we cannot bring ourselves to tackle them, they will continue to burden us. When we choose to master them, therapy can help us on this journey. In my experience, it is toward the end of people’s therapy that they typically begin benefitting from the power of positive thinking. They are then freer to pursue and implement all sorts of healthful influences into their lives and to creatively become their best selves.

Dr. Tempinski is a clinical psychologist with more than 25 years experience treating adult individuals. She is fully licensed in the state of Michigan. Her solo private practice has been designed with the goal of maximizing client confidentiality. To learn more about Dr. Terry Tempinski please click here.

Thousands of people travel to see their families during the holidays.

These family gatherings often include meeting new arrivals to the family and spending time with people we only see rarely. However, interactions between family members can range from affectionate to strained. How is that, when we go home for the holidays, old memories, both joyous and traumatic, seem like they happened only yesterday? How can we enjoy these family gatherings if they raise the past so dramatically?

Murray Bowen, the father of family systems theory, identified several issues that describe the family system. The first is that every family works to maintain some level of balance and stability. This is called homeostasis. It is similar to keeping the temperature at the same degree because everyone is used to it. Anyone who tries to move it up or down because they are uncomfortable is at risk of being reprimanded or forbidden to touch the thermostat. Each member of the family has his or her role to play, and there is pressure to maintain that role in order to preserve the stability of the family unit.

Why is it that your younger brother can never hold a job and is always borrowing money from you just as he used to borrow your sports equipment when he was a kid? Why is it that your older sister can’t accept your professional status in life and has to keep treating you like the little sister that she had to care for, but always put down? Why is it that the baby of the family continues to be the one who demands everyone’s attention at every family gathering? These and other scenarios are just a few of the patterns that get reenacted when we go home for the holidays. Often we feel unexplainable anxiety in making a step forward because our proposed growth will take us out of the roles assigned to us within our families. The uncanny thing is that these roles remain fairly well carved in stone even if we have little or no contact with our families. When we venture home for the holidays we are expected to put on our role as if it were a uniform.

Try to use these visits home as an opportunity to explore your own family tree to better understand your family dynamics. Bowen developed a chart he called a genogram to chart the family system. Begin with yourself and your brothers and sisters move to your parents and their brothers and sisters and then to their parents. By looking at the roles of oldest, youngest and middle children and the roles of males and females in your family and in the families of your parents and siblings we can often identify “transgenerational” patterns in families. This means that oftentimes behaviors, lifestyles, relational issues, abuse issues, etc. repeat themselves within families. Because of this the same issues are often reenacted in one generation and the next. We often can see in the “genogram” a history of mental illness, suicidality, depression, substance use, physical abuse, sexual abuse, health problems, etc. and often these are “transmitted” from generation to generation. Note any disorders or mental problems, any abuse issues, and relational issues, such as divorce, domestic violence, children out of wedlock, etc. in three generations of your family. Also note talents, who become the caretakers, which children are favored and which are the black sheep. Is there a pattern that the oldest children excel and the youngest have substance use issues? Is there a pattern that the oldest female child never marries and/or becomes caregiver for the parents? Is there a pattern that all the children locate their homes around the father’s home and the family life revolves around the grandmother or grandfather?

Through knowledge of your family’s generational history you could create the pathway out of the maze. You could break the family cycle but only if you are aware of its existence. It is fascinating to see that without awareness we can fall into the same patterns as our ancestors. We may think we have separated and individuated but we may still be carrying on family “traditions” without even realizing it.

Use your visit as an opportunity to start talking to aunts and uncles, cousins and grandparents to get the information you need to fill in the blanks about your family. It may be hard to believe, but face-to-face contact with these family members may help bring positive change in your own life and in your relationship with your parents. People who become reactive in their families of origin also reenact the same conflicts in their present day lives, complicating current relationships. Wouldn’t it be nice to someday go home for the holidays and have relationships with your family be based on the real world present day happenings, as opposed to the regressed family environment, which we can only tolerate for short periods? This year when you go home for the holidays, hopefully it can be an opportunity for interpersonal and family growth. It’s time to truly enjoy the holidays!

Author: Nancy Iben, MFT

To learn more about Nancy Iben, MFT please visit her profile by clicking here.

Nancy Iben is a Marriage, Family Therapist, licensed in 1994 and in private practice since that time. She has also been the Clinical Director of the counseling center at The Boys and Girls Club of Venice for 5 years, supervising interns and seeing children and families for therapy. In 2003 she became Assistant Clinical Director of Airport Marina Counseling Serice for 1 year and then Clinical Director of Airport Marina Counseling Service for the last 5 years, retiring from that position in July of 2009. During that time she was not only managing the provision of clinical services at the agency but supervising interns and teaching a training class for new interns.

She is currently supervising and training interns and teaching a Family/Child Certificate Program at Airport Marina Counseling Service.

She is in private practice in Playa del Rey where she sees individuals and couples working on relationship issues. She sees adolescents with and without their families. Some areas of specialty are depression, anxiety, phase of life issues, grief and loss, childhood abuse issues, people recovering from substance abuse and psychology interns needing therapy for school.

Our sexuality is something that we, as women, have a right to enjoy! Our sexuality is an important part of who we are. Sexual feelings and responses are a central expression of our emotional, physical and spiritual selves.

To quote Our Bodies, Ourselves, “Sexuality is so much more than intercourse. Our sexuality belongs first and foremost to us. It is pleasure we want to give and get. Sexual feelings involve out whole bodies.”

Unfortunately, many women feel uncomfortable with sexuality. This adversely affects how they feel about themselves and their sexual relationships. Men are often more comfortable with sex than women. A major reason for this is that we have grown up in a culture which, despite the “sexual revolution” of the 70’s, still does not teach women enough about healthy sexuality. We base our sex education on the media, movies, or the internet which tell us we have to be a size 2 to be sexy, be instantly turned on by whatever the man does, and be wildly orgasmic from intercourse! All of these are myths!

The reality is that men and women come into the world with the same physical capacity to enjoy sex. However, what changes this are the myths and misconceptions, inaccurate information, negative messages, negative experiences, trauma, or some other aspect of faulty learning. In other words, we learn negative attitudes or ideas toward sex. The good news in this is that anything we learn, we can unlearn! Masters and Johnson have described sex therapy as “sex education for adults”, in other words, it is the sex education we should have had earlier in life.

My goal with women in sex therapy is to give women accurate information about their sexuality and sexual response, to examine what they learned and did not learn about sex while growing up, explore what their sexual relationship have been like, teach the what healthy sex is, and help them feel positive about sex in their lives.

Some common sexual myths that affect women:

Myth 1: I have to look like the cover of Cosmopolitan magazine in order to be sexy.
Fact: Our bodies are capable of giving us sexual pleasure regardless of their size or shape. Thin does not equal beautiful! In fact, in more western cultures “fleshiness” is equated with beauty. Enjoy your body!

Myth 2: I should orgasm with intercourse.
Fact: The majority of women do not orgasm with intercourse. For most women clitoral stimulation is needed for orgasm and the penis going in and out of the vagina does not stimulate the clitoris enough. Manual genital stimulation, i.e. hands or fingers, oral stimulation, i.e. tongue or mouth, or a vibrator are the ways most women experience orgasm.
Remember: Sex is not just intercourse! Your vagina is not your sex organ; your clitoris is!

Myth 3: I should be turned on as fast as my husband or boyfriend is.
Fact: Women take 5 times as long to be turned on as men (the average man gets turned on in 3 minutes and the average woman takes 15 minutes!). Bill Masters, of Masters and Johnson, used to say, “men are like microwaves and women are like slow cookers!” We always take longer to be turned on than men.

Myth 4: I should like my breasts or clitoris touched right away.
Fact: Women need to be turned on first, before the breasts or clitoris are touched. This is a very common mistake couples make, i.e. the woman’s partner goes directly to the breasts or genital area and considers this “foreplay”. If the breast or genital areas are touched too soon, it can actually be irritating, annoying, or even painful for the woman. Women need to be sensually touched all over the rest of the body first, and then have the breasts or genital area pleasured.

Myth 5: I should always be interested in sex.
Fact: Many things can reduce our interest in sex as women, such as self-esteem issues, stress, fatigue, emotional distance, anger, mistrust or other relationship problems, depression, lack of time for ourselves, and much more. Ineffective sexual technique such as insufficient “foreplay” can be a factor as well. In general, women need to feel emotionally close in order to be interested in sex.

Remember, you have a right to enjoy your sexuality!

Author: Lynn A. Vice, Psy.D.

To learn more about Dr. Vice please visit her profile by clicking here.

One of the things I continue to be impressed with despite my 30 years of practice is how harsh we are toward ourselves when we are struggling in some way emotionally. It is really striking when you stop to think about it. Our response to our struggles is much kinder and wiser when we encounter physical problems. When we have a toothache, we swiftly get ourselves in to see the dentist. A bad cold? We try to get some antibiotics, drink fluids, and lay low. But depressed? Oh my!?!

I am well aware that no one goes to see a psychologist without many months of trying to overcome whatever is bothering them. This makes sense; we all try to forage ahead when the going gets tough. But unfortunately, when things do not improve, we are often not our own best friend. Here are some examples of the things I hear again and again:

I really have no reason to be depressed.
The reasons for my unhappiness are not going to change, so how can I feel any better?
Others have problems way worse than mine.
How can psychotherapy help anyway?
Therapy is for those who have failed and are weak.

Please understand, I am not criticizing….I want to share with you our inclination to mercilessly beat ourselves up when we most need kindness and empathy! It’s bad enough struggling with depression or anxiety, without having to deal with the assaults we often make on ourselves about the fact of these symptoms.

The truth is that depression without cause does not exist.

I know the media is rife with commercials and messages that depression is a biological problem that requires a biological fix with medication. While medications certainly have their purpose at certain times, in 30 years I have never seen a case of depression without profound underlying psychological reasons. The notion that you are depressed but shouldn’t be is about as preposterous as believing that one’s fever is without cause. Moreover, the reasons for our symptoms are typically numerous and complicated. Given the many levels of our consciousness, our many years of life experiences, and the potentially many other hardships we’ve tried to brush aside over the years…well, you’re probably getting the idea of just how convoluted and complex the roots of our struggles can be. Sometimes people feel depressed but look at their lives and say, “I have no reason to be depressed; I have a fine life.” To this person, I would like to point out that the causes of depression often have nothing to do with our current lives or with external factors, for that matter.

While people’s emotional difficulties come in all sorts of different packages, each has its own logical, understandable evolution. In order to be our best selves, we all have the responsibility of being attentive to and caring for our feelings. How do we best do that? In my opinion, the best way to do that is to appreciate the underlying reasons for our struggles……..and that is the goal of psychotherapy.

“Why is it important to understand why we are depressed?”

First, studies suggest that when persons who have successfully completed psychotherapy are interviewed and asked, “How did the therapy help you to feel different inside?”, they inevitably answer similarly in saying something to the effect that as a result of the therapy, they now understand their feelings better. This is clearly an oversimplified way of describing something which is grand. Imagine how liberating it would be to realize that the dark feelings you have long carried inside are merely the product of unresolved feelings which can be resolved? I believe that most all of us come into this world with an emotionally healthy self. Over the years, however, we often lose a grip on it; but that doesn’t mean it has left us. Most of the time it just gets covered up with things like hurt, fear, pain which often gets repressed and then transformed into all sorts of different kinds of physical and/or emotional symptoms.

Secondly, the other reason it is important to understand why we are feeling depressed is that the unresolved feelings, conflict, or turmoil which causes depression and other symptoms are truly incapable of disappearing without attention and understanding. When we are faced with difficult emotions, there is ultimately no way of escaping them. We might attempt to brush them aside, take a detour around them, or deny them with all sorts of fancy maneuvers. This can often “work” for a limited period of time. However, unless we at some point face them in full, they will forever linger over our heads, so to speak, like a big black cloud. Then, inevitably, at some point, they rain down on us. Unresolved feelings can cause almost any symptom imaginable, including all sorts of physical symptoms, physical illnesses, psychological symptoms, relationship problems, performance problems, and more.

To conclude, if you are contemplating therapy and telling yourself that it is for people who are weak or for those who are failures at dealing with life, I hope you will think again. Please try a kinder approach. People who pursue therapy and stick with it until they feel better are courageous, strong, motivated, and health-bound individuals who have decided they want and deserve to be their best selves.

Dr. Tempinski is a clinical psychologist with more than 25 years experience treating adult individuals. She is fully licensed in the state of Michigan. Her solo private practice has been designed with the goal of maximizing client confidentiality. To learn more about Dr. Terry Tempinski please click here.

Some struggles that women experience are common to many women, and can therefore be attributed or understood in this larger context of what it means, biologically and socially to be female. A psychologist informed about these issues is in a better position to understand women’s experiences and know how to help them. Psychotherapy can help women achieve their personal goals and improve themselves. A psychologist can teach assertiveness, decrease fears that may impede success and happiness, and work with women on developing better and more sustained self-esteem.

In our society, women are often in the role of protecting and caring for others emotionally. Women may fear success and competition (which can manifest in self-sabotage) and have difficulties with anger and aggression. Women often experience stress related to the burdens associated with caretaking, compounded by stress resulting from their caring being devalued, unnoticed, or unacknowledged. Many women rely on external validation from others in order to feel good about themselves. Women are often accustomed to tuning in to other’s reactions to determine how they should feel and how they should act. Therapy can help women develop a positive sense of themselves and direction from within, rather than relying on other’s opinions of them, as well as develop the strength to follow the path they choose.

Women may suffer from depression, anxiety, self-destructive or self-sabotaging behavior, pressure to overachieve, perfectionism, sexual problems, body image problems, sexual identity issues, and destructive relationships to food. Women are too often the survivors of sexual/physical abuse (past or present), rape, emotional abuse, and re-victimization. They may struggle with feeling a lack of empowerment, choosing the wrong partners, staying in destructive, empty, or depleting relationships, being overly accommodating, and feeling afraid to leave unhealthy relationships.

Psychotherapy can help women manage the feelings associated with these struggles; recognize, understand and change self-defeating patterns, heal past pain, discover and foster inner strength, and learn new ways of behaving in relationships that allow them to get what they want and feel good about themselves.

About the Author…

Dr. Margolies is a Ph.D. clinical psychologist in private practice in Newton, MA. She was trained at a Harvard University teaching hospital and former faculty of Harvard University Medical School. She treats a broad range of problems. Currently she has a special interest in men’s issues as well as adolescents and families. She also enjoys consulting to the media- T.V., radio, and newspapers.

Click here to contact or learn more about Lynn Margolies, Ph.D.

Divorce ranks just above death in severity of stress and is often combined with other stressors, such as marital discord, serious financial problems, a move, single parenting, multiple losses and litigation, all at once.  It’s a life cycle crisis that presents a crucial period of increased vulnerability and heightened potential. With consciousness, the process can be edifying.  Although not easy, it’s extremely rewarding, because, in the long run you feel better and learn from the experience, so you don’t have to repeat the same mistakes. 

Divorce consists of several stages: Cognitive, emotional, physical, legal and spiritual.  This order isn’t usually what happens, and explains the “Divorce Court” melodrama – couples making the legal separation while they are still caught up in the drama of their relationship.  They haven’t separated emotionally, though they’re physically apart.  The emotional separation is the cornerstone for transformation and is my focus.

Usually, the family has lived with marital problems for some time. Discord may have increased or gone underground to maintain a cordial facade.  Gradually one or both spouses become willing to risk the unknown and pain of divorce – it appears preferable to the pain they’re already in. 

The cognitive or mental separation isn’t so much a decision to divorce, as a setting of intention, usually long preceding the actual decision. Generally, people set goals or a course of intent before they are emotionally and physically ready to carry them out, such as a job change or a move. The cognitive separation follows a period of frustration and unhappiness.  Once the decision is verbalized, the coping behavior and degree of crisis experienced will vary depending on the degree of preparation.  Naturally, it’s optimal if the family can talk openly and problem-solve the anticipated changes and solutions.  More often, there is high dysfunction and open communication never existed or has previously broken down.  Where there’s no talking, fear and anger intensify and reactivity escalates.  If the decision wasn’t mutually arrived at, the spouse left is less prepared and experiences greater anger and depression; the one leaving feels guilty. Confusion usually sets in, and roles, rules, and parenting deteriorate.

The physical separation is simply that; however, couples may continually reunite until the emotional divorce is complete. 

The legal dissolution is the socio-economic and cultural separation.  As a lawyer and therapist, it is at once apparent that unresolved emotional conflicts fuel adversarial posturing. The legal divorce can be a long, drawn out battle in which couples stay connected through anger by breaking agreements and violating court orders, or by taking either intransigent or ever-changing positions, reflecting their inner conflict and inability to separate – trying to hold on, and at the same time let go.

The spiritual connection is ephemeral, without time or spatial reference.  Some suggest that once established, it’s never severed, and remains following the emotional separation. Strong emotions are absent; instead, it’s marked by feelings of unconditional love, caring, and vulnerability to the other person. 

The task of emotional separation involves unbonding romantic and dependent aspects of the relationship, and mourning.  This is the stage where growth and transformation unfold.  It includes disengagement of games, role definitions, and family expectations, and understanding why you selected your partner, why you stayed, and the “dance” you do over and over that doesn’t work.  Growth comes from taking responsibility for the marital problems, rather than blaming, and finally changing that “dance.”  It means seeing your partner clearly and risking new behavior, which will undoubtedly meet resistance from your mate, since you’re changing the dance steps and refusing to do the old routine.  It is different for everyone, but some examples are a passive spouse getting angry, or a volatile partner good-humoredly walking away from an argument; asking for what you really want and need; doing something important for yourself despite your partner’s objections; refusing to tolerate some unacceptable behavior of your spouse that you’ve complained about forever; taking a solo vacation; or refusing to do something you felt obligated to do, but have always resented.  So in emotionally unbonding, people really do become different, in the sense that they have a choice of new responses and behaviors. The drama subsides and marital structure gradually falls away.  Ideally, the physical and legal separation can then follow more smoothly.

If the unbonding process not successfully traversed, the emotional connections will undermine the couple’s attempts to separate.  Many couples are still “married” years after the formal divorce, if only to maintain contact through court battles, or alternatively ritualistically celebrating holidays together (“for the children’s sake”).  One such couple, divorced many years, lived in separate houses on the same property, but maintained sufficient distance through legal hostilities.  Another lived as neighbors, because she needed to rescue him from his depressions, and he needed to drive her around.

By Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT

Darlene Lancer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Santa Monica, with a broad experience, working with individuals and couples for more than twenty years. (See Darlenelancer.com) Her focus is relationships and career goals, helping clients lead fuller lives. Formerly an attorney in the corporate and private sectors for 18 years, she’s familiar with career challenges and transitions. Both in private practice and as a Senior Mediator in Los Angeles Superior Court, she mediated Divorce and Child Custody and Visitation Disputes.She’s also worked extensively in the field of addiction and co-dependency at numerous hospitals and treatment facilities. Helping substance abusers and their families find recovery has been a rewarding part of her practice. She’s familiar with 12-Step Programs, but has a client-centered philosophy, encouraging each person to determine his or her own abstinence and treatment goals.

The concept of spirituality is derived from “spiritus,” meaning vitality or the breath of life. That force awakens us like an electric charge. Staying connected to that energy strengthens and enlivens our soul. Our relationships present a constant opportunity to tap into this power.

We can practice spiritual ideals, such as faith, truth, surrender, patience and compassion in our relationships.  They have a synergistic effect, reinforcing one another and strengthening us.

Faith allows us to surrender our well-being and self-esteem to something other than another person.  It gives us the courage that we will not disintegrate from loneliness, fear, or shame, enabling us to risk rejection and separateness from our partner, or loss the relationship.  We can then be more honesty about our feelings. This integrity builds a more resilient sense of self, allowing for the expression of our vulnerability and the presence of unconditional love – all generating intimacy, healing and strengthening the soul. Moreover, when unconditional love is present, it disarms our partner, making it safe to tell the truth. Each time we risk being vulnerable, more freedom and trust grow in the relationship. Our ability to risk grows, and we achieve deeper levels of self-acceptance and compassion. Our anxiety, and the need for defensive behaviors that cause problems in relationships lessen. In this way, we become more present, and our lives become more rich and vital.

Acceptance and the ability to surrender require patience, which comes from faith. If we want to relinquish manipulating and controlling our relationships, we must have the confidence to listen and to wait, despite our impulses and anxieties that may have destructive consequences. This requires courage. If fears and defenses get activated, we may hurt the relationship in our attempt to maintain it. But if realize that we are both on a path of mutual discovery, open and honest communication can replace attempts to manipulate and control.

Compassion develops from surrendering the demands of the ego, from self-knowledge, and ultimately self-acceptance. Self-acceptance is essential for satisfying relationships, in that we can only accept and have compassion for our partner to the degree to which we accept and have compassion for ourselves. We begin to understand our partner’s struggles and become less reactive, making it safer for both to be vulnerable. An attitude is of acceptance, rather than clinging and expectation, supports unconditional love and healing.

Loving, non-interfering attention and honest communication create a safe, healing environment of unconditional love where we can let down our defenses.  Its presence feels exhilarating if we are not trying to hide. Such intimacy supports our wholeness. By risking trusting our vulnerability and defenselessness, we begin to see ourselves and others more clearly, releasing our past conditioning and emotional blocks.  We hesitatingly walk through our fears, they evaporate, and we become stronger.

If two people are committed to a spiritual process and willing to work through old programming, relationship can be a haven for two souls to experience themselves and each other in a space of love, respect, and freedom. It is an exciting path to the unknown, a path of self-discovery and the divine. We uncover who we truly are, our divinity, in the intimate presence of another, and realize that we are enough, that our wholeness and self-acceptance does not depend on what others think, but on self-awareness. We discover that the defenses we thought kept us safe and made us strong, only fortify feelings of inadequacy, and become obstacles to intimacy, growth, and real inner strength. With such honesty, a healthy relationship will flourish, and an inappropriate one will end.

Suggestions for improving the quality of your relationships:

1. Identify and communicate your fears and guilt.
2. Clarify and express your wants and needs.
3. Lovingly express your hurts and grievances, using “I” statements without blaming your partner.
4. Always take responsibility for your own feelings and behavior.
5. Learn to listen without judgment, but from a desire to fully understand your partner. Try to see the world through his or her eyes. When you don’t understand, ask for clarification.
6. Learn to observe each other’s defenses from a non-judgmental point-of-view. Track your own defenses. This in itself begins to change them.
7. Be willing to receive feedback non-defensively.
8. Always realize that there are no victims and no villains – that there are two parties to every transaction, and be willing to take responsibility for your own part regardless of whether or not your partner does. Remember growth is for you.
9. Try to always be vulnerable, direct and honest.
10. Work through things as they come up. Don’t stockpile resentment; otherwise, each postponement becomes a block in the next communication.
11. Be willing to negotiate – knowing that your highest good involves your partner’s highest good.
12. Realize intimate relationships require a commitment of time, from a half hour of intimate contact a day in your primary relationship to a half hour a week in other relationships.

DARLENE A. LANCER, MFT, COPYRIGHT, 2009

 

Darlene Lancer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Santa Monica, with a broad experience, working with individuals and couples for more than twenty years. (See Darlenelancer.com) Her focus is relationships and career goals, helping clients lead fuller lives. Formerly an attorney in the corporate and private sectors for 18 years, she’s familiar with career challenges and transitions. Both in private practice and as a Senior Mediator in Los Angeles Superior Court, she mediated Divorce and Child Custody and Visitation Disputes.She’s also worked extensively in the field of addiction and co-dependency at numerous hospitals and treatment facilities. Helping substance abusers and their families find recovery has been a rewarding part of her practice. She’s familiar with 12-Step Programs, but has a client-centered philosophy, encouraging each person to determine his or her own abstinence and treatment goals

WASHINGTON – Romance does not have to fizzle out in long-term relationships and progress into a companionship/friendship-type love, a new study has found. Romantic love can last a lifetime and lead to happier, healthier relationships.

“Many believe that romantic love is the same as passionate love,” said lead researcher Bianca P. Acevedo, PhD, then at Stony Brook University (currently at University of California, Santa Barbara). “It isn’t. Romantic love has the intensity, engagement and sexual chemistry that passionate love has, minus the obsessive component. Passionate or obsessive love includes feelings of uncertainty and anxiety. This kind of love helps drive the shorter relationships but not the longer ones.”

These findings appear in the March issue of Review of General Psychology, published by the American Psychological Association.

Acevedo and co-researcher Arthur Aron, PhD, reviewed 25 studies with 6,070 individuals in short- and long-term relationships to find out whether romantic love is associated with more satisfaction. To determine this, they classified the relationships in each of the studies as romantic, passionate (romantic with obsession) or friendship-like love and categorized them as long- or short-term.

The researchers looked at 17 short-term relationship studies, which included 18- to 23-year-old college students who were single, dating or married, with the average relationship lasting less than four years. They also looked at 10 long-term relationship studies comprising middle-aged couples who were typically married 10 years or more. Two of the studies included both long- and short-term relationships in which it was possible to distinguish the two samples.

The review found that those who reported greater romantic love were more satisfied in both the short- and long-term relationships. Companion-like love was only moderately associated with satisfaction in both short- and long-term relationships. And those who reported greater passionate love in their relationships were more satisfied in the short term compared to the long term.

Couples who reported more satisfaction in their relationships also reported being happier and having higher self-esteem.

Feeling that a partner is “there for you” makes for a good relationship, Acevedo said, and facilitates feelings of romantic love. On the other hand, “feelings of insecurity are generally associated with lower satisfaction, and in some cases may spark conflict in the relationship. This can manifest into obsessive love,” she said.

This discovery may change people’s expectations of what they want in long-term relationships. According to the authors, companionship love, which is what many couples see as the natural progression of a successful relationship, may be an unnecessary compromise. “Couples should strive for love with all the trimmings,” Acevedo said. “And couples who’ve been together a long time and wish to get back their romantic edge should know it is an attainable goal that, like most good things in life, requires energy and devotion.”

Article: “Does a Long-Term Relationship Kill Romantic Love?” Bianca P. Acevedo, PhD, and Arthur Aron, PhD, Stony Brook University; Review of General Psychology, Vol. 13, No. 1.